Satire: Survey of heterosexual, white males shows sexism completely eliminated

BY ELANA DESANTIS

A recent survey, polling hundreds of heterosexual, white teenage boys across all levels of the middle class, is showing that sexism is no longer a problem in our modern society. The survey requested the young men to answer questions regarding how they felt their gender affected their schooling, their work environment, their representation in the media, their ability to make their own conscious decisions about their sexual health and more. The results, which were unanimous in that participants did not feel as if their gender affected any of the listed scenarios, clearly stated one thing: sexism is all but eliminated. For many, these results show a triumphant victory in the fight for equality, though the participants in the study were not shocked by the news. “Honestly, I don’t see how anything is any different for me than it would have been 200 years ago,” said one anonymous, Caucasian male, noting “I’ve never even thought about any of these things until I took this dumb-ass survey.” The poll also contained a series of “yes” or “no” questions, which responses indicated that there are no longer places in the world where participants couldn’t vote, drive, attend religious services, or join the workforce based purely because of their gender.

The survey was conducted in a controlled, observed environment over the course of sixty minutes. Researchers noted that many of the participants met some questions with confusion.  “Some of these questions were really stupid,” another anonymous, white male participant said. “Like, obviously I can go to in school clothes that make me feel confident, and like no, the administration isn’t going to ‘sexualize’ me. What does that even mean?”

Despite the good news, some women’s rights groups feel as if the survey wasn’t totally representative, as no actual women put forward their input. However, Daniel Schiesser, a local UAlbany student who took a women’s studies class believes their claims are unfounded. “Let me explain in this to you in a way you would understand,” began Schiesser. “Honestly, women just overreact to everything. They complain about sexism, you give them the data they want, and apparently you still did something wrong.”

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